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SPECIES

- Reported by Sarah

In what may be one of the greatest scientific break throughs in modern genetic research, Drs. Ralphina Dickson and Edward Danar, of the University of Western Indianapolis, may have finally discovered the reason men and women are so different. While doing unrelated research for the National Gnome Project, they discovered small, but definitive differences in male and female human genes. The reason men and women act like two entirely different species is, in fact, that they are!

The actual method by which this partheno-sexual genetic reproduction occurs in humans is still not understood, but the evidence of concurrent, but separate species is unrefutable. Only in a statistically small percentage of these matings is genetic material actually shared. These mix breeds uniformly grow up to be cross dressers. Dr. Emmit Singletwit of the university's Sociology department believes the general public's hate of CD's may have more to do with hatred for one species for another than the usual psychosexual deviation theories.

Anthropologists at the university were thrilled by the news. Dr. Annii said this discovery correlated with the recent find in North Africa of two mass death sites approximately 800,000 years old. At that time there were only two small groups of proto-humans in existence. One group, known as the UBruters," were tall, dark, hairy, athletic types who did not grunt much and tended to be selfish. The other group, the "Bitchese," were shorter, lighter, less hairy, snappy dressers, supportive of each other, but only wanted to stay by the camp fire all day and eat honey covered bumblebees.

One day both groups met by accident. Grunts were said, feelings hurt, and open warfare about to be declared. Luck fly cooler heads prevailed and a contest was agreed upon instead.

The first death site was found at the bottom of a cliff and was thought to consist of the entire male population of the Bitchese who failed a cliff jumping contest. It is believed that even though the Bitchese males saw the others repeatedly fall to their deathsxthey were friends so they had to jump too!

The second mass death site appears to be all the Bruter females. A study of trace materials left at the site gives us a clue to what happened. Bruter women selfishly decided to eat an entire roast rhinoceros before their males got back from the contest. The Bitchese females, who were all on a diet at the time, did not make a fuss, except when the Bruter women began to regurgitate and die all over their clean camp ground due to food poisoning.

Well, for better or worse, Bruter men and Bitchese females were stuck with each other, however, life has never been easy since. As discovers of this new genetics, Drs Dickson and Danar have been allowed to name the new gene types by the International Genetic Nomenclature Committee. From now on female genes will be called Jennifers" (after DR. Dickson's mother). Male genes will be called UBobs" (after Dr. Danar's father). Cross Dresser genes will continue to be called Genes," but are still not allowed out of the laboratory.

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Revised: 11/07/10